Monday, November 3, 2008

The Biggest Banana Republic Ever

The Right wing of the Republican Party turned the United States of America into the World's Largest Banana Republic. For that alone they should be knocked off the Executive Branch for a good long time.

Don't believe me? Here's how they did it:

In 2000, Dubya runs a campaign platform stating in effect, "Vote for me and I'll give you 200 dollars." Heads in several small Caribbean islands as well as a few rogue African nations nod in approval. Then they argue with each other over the idea's origin and from whom Dubya stole it.

The networks "call" the Florida election For Al Gore. Florida Banana Republican officials call the networks, telling them don't count Dubya out so soon. About ten minutes later, the pendulum swings in the other direction. I started watching election coverage in 1968. Never saw that before. Probably won't see it again.

Suddenly, this great nation of ours can't seem to count votes.

The vote counting problem occurs in a state run by the brother of one presidential candidate. Hi Jeb. No, we didn't forget you. Hear that sound? It's your future political aspirations circling the bowl. So happy to know you gave them up for so little.

Anecdotal evidence surfaces in the state run by the brother of one presidential candidate regarding certain people being denied voting opportunities by false rumors, veiled threats, and bald-faced lies. The evidence gets far more factual and far less anecdotal as impartial witnesses corroborate stories. By the way, those "certain people" denied their voting rights? They vote for Democrats traditionally. Spell "Florida" M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. Anybody seen George Wallace lately? Good, solid Banana Republic move.

Banana Republican lawyers and election officials outmaneuver calls for recount or re-vote. Al Gore bends over because destroying the original ballots and starting over may contribute to global warming.

Now the Dubya Banana Republican regime begins in earnest. The attacks on September 11 interrupt the sacking of the federal government. Dubya retaliates by attacking the perpetrators' neighbor (IRAQ) on trumped-up "evidence" of WMDs. That's like me coming to your neighborhood and punching you in the face. You retaliate by coming to my neighborhood and punching my neighbor in the face. Start a pointless theater in the War On Terror. Distract the Press and constituents. Go back to sacking the government.

My vote for the best Banana Republican move: High ranking government officials (Hi, Dick) profit directly from starting the Baloney War with Iraq. See, the first Afghan campaign ended too quickly. Starting a war in Iraq means a nice, long, complicated campaign and ensures a second Afghan campaign when Al Quaida and the Taliban renew themselves. Three wars for the price of one. Imagine the profit potential.

The Dubya Regime is the most cynical administration ever foisted upon the American people. Oh, I forgot. It wasn't foisted on us. We were caught napping when a bunch of zealots who don't know the difference between debating the issues and attacking the messenger snuck this one by us with a little help from his bro.

Debatably, the boldest Banana stroke might be inviting Sarah Palin to join the ticket. Evidently, Republicans are so sure of a win tomorrow, they spotted the Democrats a vice Presidential nominee. Ms Palin is totally incapable of listening. Ask her a question and the answer has nothing to do with the question.

"Governor Palin, why haven't you released your medical records?"

"John McCain is a maverick and we're gonna send him to the White House."

Every time she doesn't know the answer to a question, it's a "Gotcha" question. Yes, it is a "Gotcha" question. Answer it anyway. All the other candidates do. Glad the press woke up finally.

Last Friday, Governor Palin was scammed on a Canadian radio show. She thought she was talking to French President Nicholas Sarkozy. Meanwhile "Sarkozy" has a cheesy accent, tells the governor his wife is "hot in bed" and he enjoyed the Hustler documentary, Nailin' Palin. He asks her about the Canadian Prime Minister and the Premier of Quebec by name, yet it does not register that the names are fictitious. One would think Governor Palin should know the names of the highest-ranking government officials from a country sharing a huge border with her state. The woman is totally oblivious but don't take my word for it. Listen for yourself....

A good Banana Republic President knows when the jig is up and it's time to grab the silverware on your way out. Someone should tell Dick Cheney that time has past. In a last gasp of clueless arrogance, Cheney endorses Senator McCain this last weekend. Who's next? Idi Amin? Hey Dick, 75 percent of the country hates you and your boss. Don't do the Senator any favors.

A special note for the Big Boss: Dubya, if Barack Obama wins the election tomorrow, it means your Banana Republican administration is the worst ever. No one else in history screwed up the presidency badly enough to prevent a rich white man from winning the next one.

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